Thursday, July 07, 2005

We need to turn Missouri blue before the following declaration takes effect:
Dear Red States,
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and
we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own
country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and
all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial
to the nation, and especially to the people of the new
country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the
slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and
entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the
tax revenue. You get to make the Red States pay their fair
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than
the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of
80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90
percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the
nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines
(you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of
all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of
the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard,
Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their
projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S.
mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent
of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite. Thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe
Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe
life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or
gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53
percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of
you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals
than we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Author Unknown in New California


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