Friday, September 03, 2004

George Bush's Convention Speech (Spin-Free Version)

George Bush has been giving the same stump speech across America for so long
now, that even he's beginning to believe Karl Rove's tortured rhetoric. So, I've
taken it upon myself to write good ol' affable #43's convention speech for
him, at no charge. And if Bush actually had the honor and integrity he so often
espoused in his 2000 campaign, ol' Dubya would give it as written and save
half the voters in America the eye rolling, the head shaking, and those
inevitable "do-I-really-hear-what-I-think-I'm-hearing" brain hernias triggered by the mind-wrenching audacity of a man attempting to spin horse hockey into cupcakes.
Here's the speech:
My fellow Americans, and you middle-class people, too, the record of my
administration speaks for itself. I know I spent 42% of my first eight months in
office on vacation, ignoring warnings that presaged the single greatest attack
on American soil for which I refuse any accountability, but I'm the guy that
can best protect you. I know The Terminator personally. I talk tough. I walk
tough. Heck, I flew fighter jets over Texas in the Vietnam War.
My administration has been a treasonous and fiercely secretive one, fighting
against your right to know and against virtually every investigative commission, even though I said I trust the American people. But I can truthfully say,
the irony of this has never dawned on me.
Political vilification and retribution have been the hallmarks of my term,
but I warned you about that when I said, "You're either with me or against me,"
I also said I was a uniter, not a divider, and though no one thought it was
possible, I further divided America. But I didn't stop there. I divided the
entire world by misleading it so horrendously, that few countries will ever believe
America as long as I'm in office. Hey, the bull plops here.
At the same time, however, I did manage to unite our enemies, getting them to
converge in the hell-hole of Iraq. And I urged those evil-doers to take
rocket-propelled pot shots at our fine, young servicemen and women when I so
recklessly invited them to "bring it on." Well, they did, big time.
Ooops. My bad.
But I don't allow pictures to be taken of any flag-draped coffins, 'cause I
trust the American people to be able to imagine what those coffins look like.
No pictures needed. See how that works? I trust the people more than the
Almost every single prediction my administration made about Iraq turned out
to be wrong, but yet I go around the country ridiculing John Kerry for not
giving me an $87 billion check with no oversight. Ain't politics beautiful? Like
I said, "Never misunderestimate me."
I scattered our nation's worst enemy throughout the world while diverting
resources and wasting lives to depose, illegally, a pathetically crippled
dictator hated by his own people until we invaded and occupied them. Now they hate
us. Heck, just about everyone does.
In fact, I'm the most hated man on the face of the earth, making me one of
the most hated men in all of history. You have to work real damn hard to
accomplish that in just four years.
Then there was the issue of Weapons of Mass Destruction, but that subject is
so over the bridge. Besides, Donald Rumsfeld still assures me he knows
exactly where they are; they're still somewhere up around Tikrit.
But enough about that, let's turn to domestic issues where I magically
transformed record surpluses into record deficits, 'cause I'm the
record-settin' president, and I now tour the country touting the meager cessation of huge job losses as a "rejuvenatin' economy."
I gave my big business buddies like Kenny-Boy Lay of Enron audacious
political paybacks at the risks and costs of the health, safety, resources and
financial well being of the common American. In fact, I sat by and watched my
buddies in the energy industry conspire to bankrupt the state of California, 'cause
you always gotta help America's big companies first, even at the expense of
the little guy. It's that trickle-down thingy my daddy used to call "Voodoo
Economics." My version's more like Voo Doo-doo Economics. Heh, heh, heh.
My administration misunderestimated the cost of my Medicare Bill by about
$150 billion. Technically it's a criminal offense to lie to Congress, but
they're mostly Republican and I'm Republican, so it's all in the family, so it's a
wash. No harm; no foul. No investigation. Ain't politics beautiful? By
the way, you might not know that my bill also prohibits negotiating with drug
companies for lower-cost prescriptions. See, I was feeling compassionate
toward the drug companies; there's billions of dollars of compassion there, 'cause
I'm a compassionate conservative. Heh, heh, heh.
Oh yeah, and when asked, I could not think of a single mistake I've made, but
I've been going around the country giving speeches about my "results." I'm
the "results" president, not like John Kerry, who would be the "thinking"
president, or the "wise" president. I'm the "fire-ready-aim" president. Used to
be the "war" president. Want to be the "peace" president. Now I'm the
"results" president. Better yet, the "action-figure" president.
There ya have it. I could go on, but, heck, I've already exceeded my own
attention span, and no one likes an intellectual, academic egghead, unless, of
course, she looks like Condi Rice.
Don't forget, I'm a real likeable guy. Please don't defeat me at the polls,
Your Commando-In-Chief,
George W. Bush



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